So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
theres a boy scout troop on my plane. right now theyre playing wilderness games. let me just tell you how excited i am to hit on all of them
I'm so proud of your ability to turn my Charlie horse last night into anal sex.
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
Oh if I trust ANYTHING about you it's your ability to lead a douchebag around by the dick
It's stupid hot. I just want to be laying in a bathtub full of margaritas
please, i've had weekends with less dignity than this.
we got kicked out of her coke dealer's house when we wouldn't stop quoting "a league of their own"
communist
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
When have we listened to the rational side of either of us?!
Sean slept in the bushes beside my house again. Any reason he kept screaming/slurring 'it was all a bunch of goddamn lies' through out the night?
I decided taking Molly and seeing Birdman seemed like a wise life choice.
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
Randomize
