Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
I'm laying in your front yard are you home
She's hot, in a Megan Fox with Down's Syndrome kinda way. Like, she'd win Miss Deliverance Pageant
At least she's the hottest one. Oh well, it's all about stats
I feel like abortions should bother me more
I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
There's guys at my school running around throwing potatoes shouting "remember the famine." makes me proud to be Irish.
i am literally watching eva make a trashbag diaper for you to sleep in tonight. whole new level of low for you.
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
And with me just getting pulled over and you maxing your card out on tennis balls I don't know if we can afford it
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
This is the third year in a row that Mario has fallen through a table on New Years. I'm sensing a tradition developing.
I get so sad when I watch him slowly destroy his life with whiskey and cocaine. Then he bites my neck and I just want to fuck him. I can't help it.
I remember turning to Jon after doing a line of coke and saying "I was a Girl Scout"
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