do you know your status is "goal for vegas: hook up with a girl AND a boy"?
and THATS why i'm not adding my mom on facebook
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
It just hurt to pee because he was fingering for fucking gold in there.
The worst part was I wasn't conscious enough to move out of the way, I knew i was being puked on but I couldn't move.
OK am i seriously the only one who thinks Cocaine Tuesdays is a bad idea?
I don't know which is worse, the fact that he can say will you fuck me in so many languages or that I'm turned on because of that
hahahaha what do we need the kangaroos for? please tell me we release them instead of doves
Yea. I feel great. My life is great. My job isn't as shitty. And my daddy loves me. I love strip clubs. Great self esteem boost.
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
I just need to find someone whose kink is financial submission.
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
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