3 different guys in my psych class know me as 3 different names and said hi to me with all 3 different names-Andrea, Grace, and Bella
I've never been more proud of you
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
I don't want to have to force feed him my vagina!!
I swear she's a drunk klepto...by the end of the night she had stolen 3 bowling balls. HOW DO YOU STEAL 3 BOWLING BALLS?
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
DID YOU REALLY JUST GIVE ME A FIRST BASE SIGN
I think my sunburn makes my ass look bigger
Well it's official, last night I hooked up with the third girl from the apartment downstairs.
Dude that's a hat trick!
I know, I tossed my hat on the floor as I was walking out.
I want my birthday to be like the hunger games where all the contenders for my vaj have to fight each other off to win the prize
Can I have the second place winner?
I just realized I haven't got laid since the last time the Browns won.
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
Seeing someone hit Themselves in the balls with someone else's hand is amazing. I love being the sober one
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
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