my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
Tonights theme there is the 7 deadly sins. Greed, envy, sloth, gluttony, sluttiness, fellatio and vodka.
When the officer tried to stop you, you just shouted your name in his face. repeatedly.
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
I can officially say I had a blunt rolled on my ass
Just had sex in an ice hut. What have you done with your holiday break?
It sounds like drunken magic sprinkled w narcotics
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
He handcuffed himself to the keg... D is hooking up with him anyway.
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
Did u puke in a church parking lot? And go to the wrong funeral yesterday? Lol
Randomize
