so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
She was ugly to the point i wanted to brush my teeth after looking at her
Taking the airport shuttle drunk should not happen this often in my life.
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
Some girl at the bar was showing us her chipped tooth as a pick up line.
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
bought a large fruitopia from McDonalds at 7:45 this morning. Spilled it on the ground. Cried. THAT hungover.
This whole pope visit thing is ruining me having sex.
IN OTHER NEWS did you guys see Orlando Bloom's penis today? I did
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
How does fucking Canada get Justin Good Guy Take Me Now, Just Fuck Me In The House of Commons Trudeau, and our new President looks like he bathes in cheetoh dust and sin?
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