Thinking about bringing a vibrator to the tanning bed...kill two birds with one stone right?
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
She has puke on the back of her shirt not quite sure how the hell she did that
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
I only blacked out one night of three if that isn't fucking personal growth idk what is
so let me get this straight... she's showing a cameltoe that can be seen from the space station and I'm NOT supposed to stare?
Rule 1: If any of us dies on a trip, the other two have to 'Weekend at Bernies' the shit outta that corpse...
I'm just to the point my give a fucks is so far in the red that I'm going to have to take out a 30yr loan of fucks to repay it
Grrr. Fine. You get oral for being unwrong.
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
I think/hope James is drunk. He's standing in the front lawn loudly declaring "I AM a popsicle!" Over and over....
Randomize
