I wish there was a Glade Plug-in for vaginas
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
haha it staarrted out with just getting drunk then it turned into sports authority. So now im 4th or 5th in line and shit faced. Help me
there were staples in my comforter. what kind of sex did we even have?
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
just peed on my shirt somehow, im calling it a day
Can I write your parents a thank-you note for your huge dick?
It's not ok to announce to a group of people playing beer pong that a girl put her finger in your butt last night. I now know this
Do you think kicking my coke habit is a good personal goal to put down on the evaluation form?
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
Aka I'm headed to the liquor store because I don't know how to handle my emotions.
I volunteer to be the person who breaks into the room and runs around naked and has to be escorted out by police.
Randomize