I'm so glad you managed to take a picture of your foreskin before you broke my camera.
....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
what made it akward was his girlfriends dog watching us have sex
By connection do you mean me drunkenly grinding my ass on his lap for an extended period of time? If so, then yes, we had a "connection"
Last night you were talking while puking saying, "ahh the shoes and the purse, I'm gonna have to wash those"
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
Until you wake up with a Hustler club stripper in the next room whose nipple you were coerced to lick at Snake & Jake's after breaking up a fight between an Indian and a Filipino, I don't wanna hear about your weird.
He woke me up for a 10am bootycall. he was already drunk when he got here and when we were fucking, bagpipes started playing amazing grace outside of my window!! I love Boston on st. Patties day!!
I let him fuck me in a batman costume. Don't talk to me about needing to read fifty shades gray.
My puffy vagina and I are on the way to the doctor to see what your mutant penis did to us THANKS A LOT
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
We had sex six times. In a span of 8 hours. Confirmation I don't need to go to the gym.
This night could easily degenerate into a drunken haze of strippers and gambling, but I need a support network.
Would you still love me if I got a Whatever Forever tattoo? It's like the Emo kids' Live Laugh Love
Randomize
