so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
look for us when you get to the club. we're the guys wearing snorkels.
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
Not enough. Tell the person next to you to give you their drink. I give you permission. And then chug it. Be a hero tonight.
thank you for reminding me that I stumbled into a public place drunk at 9am wearing a chicks pants.
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
Could you imagine living in a city where bartenders are available by 1:30 AM
I'd have like 4 kids by now and at least one std
I'm worried about your health. And your boobs. Actually, health, then boobs. Health first, boobs second. And third.
I mixed Jack with hot chocolate. This may be the best or worst idea ever. I have yet to find that out
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
Get ready tonight we are going to get drunk and pierce my nipples
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
We went to the midnight donut shop and you hopped the counter and told everyone to "Get the Fuck out of your Bar" but to also "Make yourselves at home".
Randomize
