You work out of a Hotel?
He yelled GOOOOAAAALLL when he came.
It smelled like mall pretzels. Of course I investigated.
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
It feels like im being cuddled by a thousand little smurf vaginas
I must have some kind of deep rooted instinct that tells me when a boys virginity needs to be taken.
Let's just say I've never been so continually aware of my nipples before.
This girl braided my pubes while i was asleep. Now i cant get them undone.
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
You can't die you're my only democrat family member
DO NOT LET HIM TAKE CONTROL OVER YOUR BOWELS
...blackout vacation is awesome. Where did you end up? I think i'm in Miami.
Hospital.
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
Randomize
