Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
Stop everything. They have oreo straws to drink milk with and then you eat the straw. I think i just got turned on by a cookie commercial.
Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
I only have two playlists on my iPod. One for when im getting drunk, one for when I'm getting high. Is this something to be worried about?
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
mallory made a planned parenthood decision maker flow chart again.
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
he apologises profusely for spelling mistakes in his texts but doesn't care about cheating on me. priorities
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
No dude shes like 5 feet tall and maybe 100 pounds... Normally i wouldnt be scared but someone gave her a bat. Thats why im in the bathroom
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
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