I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
Whoever owns the butter that i always steal out of the office fridge definitely put THC butter in there this time. Shit just got real.
But I mean, have you ever just LOOKED at how majestic penises are? They are like ivory columns of pure wonder!
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
Masturbating during the Olympics and cumming during the national anthem really is everything it's cracked up to be. Just thought you should know.
ever had the feeling "I've been drunk in this bathroom before?" Like De ja drunk?
Hey. Im sorry to bother you but I just watched the seinfield episode about faking an orgasm and it caused me to second guess myself. Were you satisfied?
How ya feelin' champ?
Like a million bucks that was soaked in alcohol.
U wanna come over and watch talidaga nights. Ill make pancakes
What? It's 130 in the morning.
Aww come on i make bomb ass pancakes
eating a weed cupcake with nutella on top at work. i AM a star!
She was shaving her legs in the neighbors pool when we found her.
Where'd she get the razor?
Not the point.
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