So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
in the 'for' section of the check i put "when we got drunk and broke things". again im sorry.
how was ur day?
this is strictly sexting don't make small talk.
It's all sex hats and vagina bandages with you isn't it?
It's one of those nights that you wish to god someone would booty call you, and then realize you'll just be stuck here with your poptart...
I find it very uncomfortable that I need to ask you to stop sending me pictures of your stomach
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
Ughhh I can't remember the last time "time fell back or springed forward" and I wasn't at the bar to argue about it :(
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
As much as I trust your struggle imma deal with being Eskimo brothers with my own sister before I get to that
I encourage you to ignore feeling. Drinking more helps
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
Randomize
