smoked weed with Joakim Noah last night....if he was half as fast to the basket as he is to grab a joint from me we'd have another championship on our hands
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
Ive given up on my natural charms. Im trying different accents till some girl wants to hook up with me.
Scored tix to flower show. Do we want to go drunk on Saturday or hungover on Sunday? Only two options.
A man in denim coveralls just shotgunned a beer on the dance floor
Just put a dog collar on someone's child.....was a great hit with everyone but his mom.......I think she hates me. I'm okay.with that
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
I waxed the left side of it and was in too much pain to do the right side so my crotch looks like cruella devil
THIS TIME TOMORROW MY VAG IS GONNA BE BRAND SPANKING NEW.
I just want my birth control to stop making me feel like I'm watching baby seals get clubbed to death any time anything even remotely unpleasant happens lol
Are you doing that thing where you're convinced I made a terrible decision
Daily.
Which one of you drunk assholes put a parental lock on my cable box last night? More importantly, what's the pin? I'm missing the UK game.
Saw your dad at the bar last night... And again this morning when he left. Told you not to mess with me bitch.
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
Randomize
