i'm going to be honest, my vagina smells.
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
I am standing at the lion i publicly humped last night. i am mortified.
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
Is it cheating if its a threesome? This is more like a party game than infidelity.
I'm getting shit face wasted, and I have to be up so early tomorrow. I am bad at smart.
So, we estimated there is at least 40 pounds of boob in our house.
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
I'm pants less watching buffy the vampire slayer drinking rum. I'm not that hard to impress
MY TITS ARE PERFECTLY CALM.
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
cant one of your roommates drive you?
You came in my eye once. You owe me.
ill be there in 20
She's wear your skin crazy! Is it wrong that I'm gonna fuck her 1 more time though?
Randomize
