The bar is filled with bros right now. Sucks I had to pay $5 to find that out.
I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
I told him that he could only go home with me if he didn't talk or tell me his name
our night together was a product of my beer goggles and jennifer aniston-like desperation.
Do you think a former stripper/heroin addict constitutes as a high risk sexual partner?
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
Debating whether the Plan B I had this morning would go under breakfast or lunch in my food log.
He put chocks of wood in front of his doors to stop me from leaving. I'm not nearly drunk enough for that to be appropriate behaviour.
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
He has great taste in girls. I feel closer to my Eskimo sisters than my real sister...
Wet should excavate the hamsters out of the front yard n give them a proper burial.
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
Have you ever forgotten how to pee? I did last night. Standing in front of the urinal with dick in hand. WTF were we drinking???
Randomize
