i can't believe i had my finger in that
a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
after we finished he farted and said 'i've been holding that one in'
just hang any plant up and call it mistletoe.
Its like a relationship where they cockblock each other.
So I've gone into the break room to heat up a styrofoam cup 8 times over the course of 4 hours.. that desperate to see him. Now I have a broken heart AND cancer.
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
i just want to be sober by dinner like is that too much to ask
Hey, if I'm gonna bastard a child and ruin his life, I'm going balls out.
Do you remember peeing in the sink while I was throwing up?
No ma'am, I do not. I found a video of us trying to do a trust fall though. Emphasis on the trying.
So are we just not going to talk about the time I came home to you jerking it in the kitchen?
I just watched someone put a diaper on a cat..I'm to high for this.
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
Randomize
