the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
The night started going down hill when she shot the cashier in the face with the confetti gun we bought at 711.
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
There is a good chance that the other night after a wedding reception i was at that i mailed you a drink coaster.
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
My liver and my bank account can't afford another all nighter. Help.
Wow I got tittyfucked by the American Dream
Just once I'd like to go out and not have to tell you to put your pants back on.
Omg my brain. Most recent thought: I fucking prayed in the bathroom that the other girl would leave. Prayed to Jesus
I've been sober for almost two weeks and it's been the worst two weeks ever. Even my mom told me I need to start drinking again.
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
Reading becomes significantly more difficult when people are having crazy loud sex in an adjoining room
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
Randomize
