Idk if this white stuff in my shower is conditioner or... something else?
he thought i was a dude.
and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
just stole 2 cases of forties from some freshman in the woods by pretending to be a cop. that ten dollar spotlight is really turning a profit
Results of pregaming honors college basketball social: 18 points, 3 blocks, and 3 flagrant fouls leading to 2 broken bones on former valedictorians. I'm doing this more often.
If drinking before honors events and injuring our universities brightest doesn't get you kicked out of the program, you're not trying hard enough.
I need a gatorade, my back cracked, my crimper, my shot glass, a sock of rice and an explanation.
You did this to yourself.
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
We found her on a strangers doorstep chanting "I know someone will let me in" it took 2 of us to drag her to the car.
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
They are the perfect team. One always has weed, the other always has cigarettes. They're like the Batman and Robin of drugs
I'm eating taquitos in the bathtub at 5:30 am. What a great end to the night
It was a good hour of moans, penis compliments, smacks, and what sounded like someone running in flip flops
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
Randomize
