How do u get a lost condom out? Like really lost... up there...
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
I just saw someone EAT a flashcard out of frustration. Finals suck.
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
Your cat is quite the conversationalist after some tequila and shrooms
I wish I was in the big bed with a naked you post sex eating chicken nuggets
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
And now you know why we call him Three-Balls Brad
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
She has a bong hits for Jesus shirt. Of course I'm going to like her.
I may or may not be drunker than time right now.
Randomize
