i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
worst. lesbian. ever. i'm not sure she knows a clit from a pencil eraser.
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
I DONT UNDERSTAND NIPPLES. THEY JUST POP OUT FOR NO REASON
Well somebody's had a rough day, nipple-wise
In case you're wondering where my head is at right now, it's wishing that I was getting laid and not having a debate about cheese.
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
tell me you did not just describe yourself as "hot and bothered"
And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention
My husband gave me a key to his house. I thinks this means we're getting kinda serious.
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
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