So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
Oh my god it just tripped me out that I used to be a baby, I had to tell you.
I just won 10 dollars from out chugging the bar tender and I found out that the baby aint mine in the last hour. I don't even care if l get laid tonight any more.
I dunno. The only plans I have for sure after finals are smoking a bowl and eating a 5 pound gummy bear. btw I bought a 5 pound gummy bear
Well I almost walked away with an Irish guy's boarding pass and some south guy's dignity
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
I would have gladly let him decapitate me with the way he was biting on my neck.
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
I just want to be like i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it
Took pain meds with RumChata this morning. It's like morning milk but better
I changed his contact info to "NO" and a picture of satan
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
Wanna guess where my charger was last night.....in my cooler with my beer. I put it in there because I knew I would never forget my beer.
Remeber when we went camping and fucked those two guys? Yeah me either but I'm covered in poison oak so I'm guessing it's from that.
Randomize
