I'm high, and her 2,100 tagged pictures annoy me even MORE. I wish it had a google searchbar so I could type in "cleavage pics" to get to the point.
I've decided that my new worst fear is that I'll end up on "I Didn't Know I was Pregnant"
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
Somehow I feel more guilty using her razor then I do having sex with her boyfriend...
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
His parents had a bottle of captain morgan on the table for me when I went for dinner. I feel accepted
You know summer is almost over when ur school booty calls start hitting u up as if solidifying their spot in drunken mistakes for next semester
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
If the world would stop letting me feel invincible I would probably stop doing this shit.
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
we told you you couldn't get your dick sucked because you were a girl and you yelled at us and said we were 'discriminating you'
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
Randomize
