I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
Is it uncouth to have a themed intervention? I know how much you like Star Wars.
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
These fuzzy pants work great for sleeping, taking an exam, getting baked and watching the hobbit. I guess i'm not changing pants for 72 hours.
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
It's national "dress up your pet day" come over. Drugs and dressed up cats..it's the shit dreams are made of.
You pretty much lost your mind. Your ego has gotten ten time the size of your balls.
Dude respond to my evite. You're either coming to the orgy or not.
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
You're the air beneath my wings and the lookout when I pee
We need a kiddie pool and lots of cornstarch
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
Randomize
