I just pynch a tree in the face
every time i send "do you want some cock" to her T9 manages to change it to "anal"...i think she's mad now
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
I have a scary feeling my mom might switch her goals from finding me a husband in 2012 to sending me to rehab
It's that thing where you don't have any food so you just drink beer to get your needed calories for the day.
OH BABY IM HERE AND IN A BLANKET FORT
COME TO THE BLANKET FORT
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
So it finally happened last night... I re-met someone that i've already had sex with. Had no idea who he was. Fantastic
Judge me all you want, but while you are stuck at home eating Ramen and tap water, I will be dining with some guy who, although might be the same age as my father, is filthy rich.
Might as well permanently tattoo lush somewhere on my body and show it to people when I decide to drink so they won't serve me.
No no this isn't that fun. I'm alone drinking wine and me and the dogs ran out of things to talk about around 9 am.
I just bought six bottles of the 2 dollar vodka. oh yes there will be blood
Sorry for prompting a philosophical penis discussion at 10:45 on a Friday night.
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
Randomize