Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
You put your shot glass in your waistband and then told me how convinent it was.
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
Guy, there will be accountabilities this weekend that you will need to respond to, or else.
FONT CPME TO THE TRUK. I REPATE SONT COME TO THE TRUCK WERE GETTON FRAEKY
Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.
We were talking when all of a sudden she reach and started squeezing my dick and goes "nice." and then just kept the conversation going like nothing happened.
I felt guilty, it was so good!
Guilty? Oh great, I give the Jewish mother-in-law of blowjobs.
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
wouldn't be a true Fourth of July without dropping acid at 9pm on a Monday
FREEDOM
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
It took me an hour to walk from my drive way to my front door... what the fuck was in that weed?
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
Gatorade without vodka just doesn't taste the same
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