Ok walking to car, 3 gay guys park get out of car, one on phone says 'I dont know but I was definately getting some curb rubbing'
Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
maddie and i have invented a community puke bowl. explanation later
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
I had to put a towel over my laptop because the little power light was too bright. New hangover low.
Must say, as a couple, she and I are thrilled that our pretend lesbianism has paid off.
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
By chance and just chance did you find a cock ring? By chance
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
At what point in a new hookup do you tell the guy you need to wear a mouth guard when you sleepover because of your TMJ? Asking for a friend.
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
Randomize
