My roommate found me crawling down the hallway as she was on her way to her morning class. Its time for a new semester.
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
who loves string cheese????? I LOVE STRING CHEESE!!!
you know...if you didn't give such great head little things like this would ruin our friends with benefits relationship.
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
I am sleeping in the bathtub because my bed is too soft.
So yeah he had good weed?
Last time we had an ultimatum like that, things went very far south. I'm down, but it's your turn to wake up in a hospital.
They found you popping and locking it alone in the parking lot
I don't drink nearly as much when I'm coupled, and that's not a lifestyle I can commit to
I got to walk around for eight hours wearing power armor and acting camp. No way I wouldn't love it.
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
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