was it mean of me to chase him screaming "DO YOU EVER WANT TO BE ABLE TO HAVE CHILDREN?!"?
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
they're making a venn diagram comparing gummi bears against gummi worms...is this what i have to sit thru to get free weed????
..i think i can hear you losing your virginity
You were mumbling a lot and offered me 20 dollars to leave you alone
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
They poked me and kept screaming "LAUGH DOUGH BOY" it's like 3rd grade all over again.
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
Oh my fucking god I saw the pictures. What the mother fucking fuck. Destroy the pictures. Destroy the fucking pictures.
Please confirm the destruction of the pictures. NOW.
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
ask me again when I'm sobewr aka tuesday
The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
You are hereby uninvited from future Turnt Tuesdays until further notice.
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
Randomize
