Its not like he dircectly choose a cheeseburger over sex, it was more like I said seductively "I really appreciate this and I'm going to make it up to you anyway I can" and he replied "i want a bacon cheeseburger"
i guess he just knew i was going to sleep with him either way
24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
apparently we spent 30 minutes inside that big Nike store turning all of their Duke gear inside out. for some reason the employees didn't stop us.
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
I'm just trying my hardest not to get addicted to drugs or pregnant and all your other friends are out there getting married
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
I just look at my butt and see so much potential.
At least his std test came back clean, gotta look at the positives here
The more I drank he just got hotter and hotter. And then the mustache didn't look too bad
I AM GETTING LAID TONIGHT YES HAPPY DAY PRAISE JESUS ALMIGHTY IN HEAVEN DEAR GOD CHRIST YES DADDY YAAASSS
I went to Christian school in the 90s. I can finger blast anything, but dignity.
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
You can tell by the way he cuddles that he's got mommy issues
Randomize
