She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
you went around grabbing cigarettes out of peoples mouths and claiming you were curing cancer.
The state of Wisconsin is just irresponsible for letting me buy this many fireworks
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
I've grown it out to 70s proportions. I'm calling it my chastity pelt.
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
We just broke up and deleting his dick pics is the hardest thing I've ever had to do.
I want to ride his face like a jet ski
I want to be her friend more than I want to fuck her boyfriend.
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