Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
How do I say "sorry I gave you and your sister herpes" in German?
I just saw a guy wearing a tuxedo shirt under his overalls. That is true iowa class right there
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
The great thing about vietnam is that if I'm drunk during the day people just think I'm being white
I am going to be so excited tomorrow when I find this box of crayons in my purse
It's amazing what a couple of orgasms can do for a girls demeanor.
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
Got baptized for New Years. In champagne and cheap vodka.
You're a mystery wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a redhead
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
last night you said that you wanted to hold my dick as you slept because it was like having a stuffed animal.
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