She is totes cute on her twitter. Which totally sounds like a euphemism for coot.
The walk of shame is so much worse when you've spent the night third wheeling.
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
friends with benefits? more like friends with awkward sexual tension
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
its before 9am and ive already had to dip my dick and balls in a glass of milk. probably isnt a good sign for how today is going to go.
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
Dedication to a hook up: I had to recruit five people at the train station to help me buy a ticket from a kiosk and get on the right train in 15 minutes because I discovered that my car was stolen.
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
I should not be so motivated by a penis, but I am
I feel like your dick pick is everywhere. Never have I needed to be so careful when posting pictures.
Boobs have been pretty central in my life somehow lately which makes me question if I am truly gay
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
Randomize
