lets have sex before this no shave november shit gets outta hand.
Two man bar crawl was hectic. Just found leaves in my pocket.
I've officially decided that whoever created hate sex should be on my christmas card list.
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
I refuse to apologize. Any dick that comes that close to my face uninvited is gonna get bit
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
i think god would be more upset with me for turning down such a beautifully crafted cock than he would for me liking girls
Now that I've quit blow, I think I'm allergic to my cat....
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
5% want to drink juice and feel better, 95% just want to touch your butt
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
Captain Morgan does not know self control. Nor does he teach it.
She had never heard the term "grundle" before. Classiest girl I've met in months
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
Dude...itll be a youre-still-a-dick-but-a-hot-one-angry-hate-evil-spite kinda fuck. This is acceptable.
Randomize
