I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
dont worry about it. i always have emergency bong water with me
It was almost awkward to look at you naked while listening to Circle of Life. Just saying.
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
I would feel worse for you if you weren't waking up between a pair of double Fs that attached to a classically trained chief. Im still jacking off eating hot pockets.
when I walked in the door they were passed out naked, on top of eachother, with tetris controllers in their hands.
Little girl was fucking around on the train and completely ran her head into a pole. Totally burst out laughing as she cried. Her mom was not amused. I don't think I should be a Mom. EVER.
yeah. i tried to refuse to leave unless the burger king himself escorted me out. that didnt fly
Vegas never ceases to amaze me. Hung out with a stripper from ATL all night and got nuthin, but the next night meet a bride-to-be who gives me a bj in the elevator.
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
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