I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
i'm pissing behind 7/11. if you guys leave... i'll think it's funny too
dear roomies, would anyone wanna donate the booze they left in the fridge over break to the "your roomies snowed in and all alone" fund?
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
It's tuesday, which means cocktails followed by cocktales.
putting weed in the twinkies box was possibly the best idea you've ever had
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
Russian roulette. Between salvia and weed. You in?
FUCK YOU MAN
I'm sorry but you're choosing a girl that faked a pregnancy when you wouldn't return her calls over a more attractive sane girl who you begged for a chance with last week? God you're a loser.
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
she opened a can of olives, drained the juice and poured ranch dressing in. oh and 'croutons' (saltines) on top...
You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.
Randomize
