Fine. I'll sleep in my office
On a scale from 0 to 24...wait, 3 to 24, where 6 is the lowest and 12 is the highest, how freaking high re you right now?
operation harelip BJ is a go
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
I miss being able to drink at 11am just cause it was sunny outside.
I hit a bug from across the room with my flip flop boomerang style. That awesome.
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
I have pictures of you taking tequila shots off the front of the police car when the cop wasn't looking.
yea last night was a repeat of newyears...exept this time it ivolved a fish costume, throw up, a hole in the roof, and cops...lots of cops
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
New goal find someone I love enough to use these Japanese pancake flavored condoms on
Randomize
