I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
just looked up how to break up with someone nicely on google. glad to know im not the only one who looks up this shit.
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
Nobody has ever asked me for my honest opinion on whether they needed anal bleaching before
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
Looks like I've become the Walter White of my PhD cohort.
I climbed through his window to find him already with another booty call. This wouldn't have happened if I could upgrade from my 7th grade scooter to a real car.
…If I were you I wouldn't use that as part of your argument to your dad for a car
I woke up to my bra draped over his lamp and a huge bump on my head. apparently, I face planted while having sex in the shower..
I'm just now starting to feel better... I remembered sleeping on the floor. I was peeing and saw his rug and it looked so comfy
I made out with a guy so that I could get ahead in the bathroom line, totally acceptable
THIS FUCKNUGGET
DOES HE EVEN REALIZE HOW MANY INCREDIBLE INSULTS I'VE WASTED ON HIM
I'VE INSULTED THE EVERLOVING SHIT OUT OF HIM AND HE CAN'T EVEN APPRECIATE IT
THE HO
I asked him to have birthday sex with me via xbox live
You took the glass microwave plate and said it was the closest thing to a frisbee, let me know how that works out for you
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
Randomize
