ugh, i have officially sinned in all of my cute clothes. i can't even wear any of them without feeling regret.
watching a depressing episode of spongebob while high is the most depressing thing i have ever experienced
Exactly how deep of a burn should you have when you pee before becoming legitimately concerned?
just learned how to wash a penis. thank you nursing school for getting me the most action i've had in months.
After waking up today, I would like to find the Jesus preachers on campus to ask for help in asking for forgiveness to God.
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
So maybe putting the blacklight above the futon wasn't the best idea...
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
It was incredible. For as long as I live, I will gladly drop whatever I'm doing and spend a night with her face between my legs ANY time she asks.
I am decidedly straight, but I'll write it into my wedding vows if I have to.
I'm afraid I might run into that fat chick that sucked on me in the hospital parking lot while her friend cried in the car next to us, but I may be willing to take that chance.
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
Well I'm going to hell. But I'm going after multiple orgasms.
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
Okay, maybe filling water balloons with vodka was not our best idea.
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
Randomize
