i woke up to see him pissing on your n64. thats like killing a unicorn. punishable by death for sure.
and then you made a playlist that was just "party in the usa" on repeat...
He doesn't make grammatical errors. Even while getting head.
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
Maybe. This hangover is made of nightmares and that thing from the Alien movies.
One day. I will touch his hair. I'm curious if it'll be like a soft cloud.
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
More cowboy butts than you can shake a stick at, oh joy.
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
WHAT KIND OF SELF RESPECTING 28 YEAR OLD WOMAN WAKES UP IN A FRAT HOUSE?!?'
The cougar kind?
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
Randomize
