well I can't set my house on fire every night
my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
I'm calling it the Friendlationship with Benefits Zone.
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
You will never know an awkward moment until your parents pick you up from a one night stand.
Crazy fun. I think I got a concussion from a stripper
I have to sanitize my nipples and its just to cold in here for it to be ok
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
Know what I do when I'm in that mood? Whenever anyone talks to me I just hiss like a cat. They go away.
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
Why is there a pair of panties on my front lawn?
Randomize
