Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
He gave me a card that said "I'm so glad we found each other... In the pants" and a pat on the head... My walk of Shame wasn't so bad.
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
Fucken Tweens. They smelled like cotton candy and hand jobs my nostrils were offended.
Oh aight, and i was just going to be content with drinking, beating off and watching ninja turtles
Omg. We have to workout today. I just looked at myself in the mirror and thanked a god I don't believe in for drunken boys and dark rooms.
We fired a shoe out of a medieval cannon. I know not where we got either one.
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
Wait. We seriously played strip beer pong at the bar last night. Who said I never came up with good ideas
We found him sitting in the back of the club crying into a strippers lap. She told us he missed his pet frog and to come back later.
DIBS on your mom for my beer pong partner.
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
Randomize
