I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
How did it go last night?
Woke up head half shaved and a burrito? So good and bad?
We're not on Beacon Street anymore so now your argument about not peeing on the sidewalk holds no water. Whereas my bladder has holded every water.
Oh yeah, found out i got it from my boyfriend's wife. Thanks though.
But yesterday I literally met half his family buzzed wearing a cheeta print bathing suit super short shorts and a tiny tank top.. I was like awesome
my grandma just gave me a shoebox fulled to the top with tootsie rolls and condoms with a not that said "enjoy college, find a big cock" i'm not sure how I feel about this
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
I just kept thinking.. Holy shit. We're fucking in my front yard.
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
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