Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
well he showed me a naked baby picture and i was right it hasn't grown
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
If you end up at a gay bar on a tuesday night in steelers pjs, does that mean youve hit rock bottom?
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
I almost took a picture but it looked like he might have a shank and I'm just not at a place in my life where I could handle having tetanus
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
Driving, getting head and talking to your boss on the phone is not a good combination. I nearly died
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
Randomize
