Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
3.50 mugs at the bar.
Nah man, im with an ugly chick. Im waiting til everyone's drunk enough tonight, they don't notice.
How ugly, and does she have friends?
so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
He's hot though. It's not like he JUST got out of prison. That was like months ago
More importantly this is sex weather and i am striking out
Thanks to you and Ketel One I now have a court summons with the actual word "frolicking" on it.
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
I can't remember the last time I saw a penis in person that I didn't see a million times on text first
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
How high?! We watched paid programming for 45 minutes before we realized it wasn't just a long commercial. So pretty high. The Bionic fish finder looks promising, though.
Lets get a boat first.
Got a blowjob while watching James Bond's "Octopussy." My 13 year old self would be so proud
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