hey im gonna send you a picture of my dinner
if its a picture of your dick again we are no longer friends
Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
it feels good to walk into a CVS and not go straight to the pharmacy counter for plan b. its been a while....
The problem with having your drunkeness documented at a wedding is not only does it show up all over facebook, but all over professional photography websites.
...that's why he's not doing anything with his life except breeding geckos
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
It's a drunk scavenger hunt.
Everything on the list counts for double points if done naked.
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
Well we had to pull over on a side street in town so I could throw up while moms were driving by with car loads of kids, I feel like I just performed a lil silent AA film for the childrens
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
My penis has like 3 people bidding on it
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
Went to a club yesterday was dirty dancing with this guy, reached back to move my hair and punched him in the face.
ANTI-GAME
I am so proud to call you my friend
We walked around last night for hours saying nothing but nom nom nom and barking at each other.
Randomize
