he's afraid if he sleeps with me i'll go all lavender brown on him
I even made an effort to dress like a conservative young lady who doesnt black out and throw up in her bed regularly today.
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
She challenged me to a game of rock-paper-scissors for her virginity. I love this girl.
She just drank the vanilla extract. Again. AGAIN. No one should be that eager to get drunk.
I also found a beer label in my bra and I'm pretty sure you put it there and said "this means I trust you"
But I wanna cuddle and just put my hand awkwardly close to your penis area by accident and look at you
I'm going home because your Crackraptor step-brother tried getting his nasty meat hawks in my pants last night.
This was like angel cum on the bread of life filled with the nectar of the gods
Like we were literally doing coke off his insulin pump
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
help. there is a guy in a bunny costume.
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
I think it stinks she’s cheating on him. My vagina on the other hand is tingly thinking about a summer of sexual healing
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
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