Next time, if you wake and bake, make sure you nail the wake part. Not easy to explain to mum. Or the fire brigade.
I jsut got pulled over and passed the sobritaty test.
Good thing spelling doesn't count.
He gave me a 420 gift that consisted of a dime bag, a philly cheesestake, and a Pepsi that was still cold. If he ever wants a free bj, I got him.
i lose more brain cells when ever she opens her mouth then i would doing meth for 8 years of my life.
If your dick isn't up when i get home you're catching tonight.
She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke
Some guy just showed up at my door to return my bikini top. EXPLAIN NOW
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
YOU WORK IN THE US CAPITOL! YOU CANNOT HAVE SEX IN THE BATHROOM!!
Dude, you are totally ruining intern season for me...
i just had to pick up my 18 year old cousin from the police station for hosting a party, and i had to do this stoned wow
I need to mount that unicorn and turn him into a full blown steed.
Never should have deleted her from my facebook. My new girl is so much hotter than she is, I just want to passive aggressively rub it in her face
I smell like bonfire and ex-boyfriends
I tried to put my heels in the coat check
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
Randomize
