If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
The preggo girl brought her pet chipmunk to class today. fyi.
I just shaved my vag with a razor my dad left when he was here a few months ago. Too hungover to think about the Freudian connotations
I think he just gave me the 'I used to sleep with your sister' discount
I heard him crying and I heard him listening to porn... I'm hoping to God they weren't at the same time.
If man night ends at some point, hit me up and let me prove my vagina still exists.
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
now acid just makes me think of crab ragoon
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
I love how my parents bring water bottles filled with vodka on family trips
Randomize
