Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
Dudes got a Polo tattoo. I don't care if he has a yacht I can't handle that level of gay.
And a psychic told me I was pregnant and I am just so over life right now.
I could end up kidnapped. Or worse, the night will be really awkward.
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
I think I threw my underwear away at What-A-Burger last night.
I want you inside of me and on top of me and under me and behind me
Basically I need you to be like god, just fucking everywhere
Germany has fetish clubs for everything. We are going to Germany. Germany is our friend.
So note to self oboe reeds soaked in Apple Rubinoff sound GREAT.
I wonder how vigorously I can jack off in a one person tent without being noticed???
outside on the street drinkin, walked into a random house and asked to pee, some kid hands me a beer and says i have to chug it first
Randomize
