I loved tuna sandwiches so much in grade school it was so embarrassing
Everyday all the kids would be like oh grosss whose eating tuunnaa
When health care reform is passed, I'm throwing a kegger
You are the reason we need health care reform
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
I like that we make it a requirement to howl at the moon every time we get drunk together.
He's currently rapping every word to 'more money more problems' at what could be a over 30s gay bar. I'm not sure yet. More info to come.
Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
also, add "teaching boys to sext" to my charity work
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
I snapchatted his face mid sex. Needless to say, I don't think I'll ever see him again.
I didn't pay $79 for lingerie for you to cum in 30 seconds
I'm not in it for just the sex. If I wanted mediocre dick once a week I would have stayed with one of my exes.
using my tits for other peoples nudes hit me up business in the making
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
I need dick so bad, I’m dressing sexy for the school pick up line and sports practices to entice a few of the DILFs
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