this ugly chick literally cried last night because i wouldnt let her give me head
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
I got rejected. By another girl. At a red light. In front of seven shirtless cyclists in the middle of the night. How is that normal?!?
Yea, I had a chaperone thankfully. I'm in the fetal position attempting to eat captain crunch now.
Please, take the 2 shots of vodka that I left as an apologie.
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
Living in the dorms has served one purpose and one purpose only for me: to teach me that pooping in public bathrooms is okay and that I can do it
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
Oooo. Can we pretend to be Amanda Bynes?
She bought wigs like Disney princesses. I want to be her.
why does CNN give a flying $@*# about the royal baby so, so much?
i hope they name him Joffrey
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
If youre worried about being stabbed, you probably shouldnt be there.
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
Randomize
