I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
wanna hang out tonight and remember it?
Idk, it's Grover wearing a sombrero. Do I need a reason?
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
By the time the opening band finished, she was already slurring, coming on to the gay couple next to us, and waving her panties in the air.
my last clear memory of the night was being offered a shot but having so much alcohol in my hands that someone literally had to pour it in my mouth for me. after that it pretty much skips to waking up face down and shirtless on my floor.
well, at the moment I'm sleeping in someone's closet in a buzzlightyear snuggie, so I can't judge,
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
He gave me the award for most entertaining blow job. That should count for something.
First night in my new apartment and I threw up in front of my neighbors door. Starting off this relationship strong.
He made me a flamingo drink and now I don't know why things are the way they are.
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
Quit bitching. I brought you a muffin.
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
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